dorling kindersley books

SEX ADVICE
Dr Miriam says...

I have a loving husband but lately our sex life's been just a routine and anything but satisfying. Is there any strategy I could use to start things afresh?

Sex is a highly complex part of our lives and it's influenced by our moods and emotions outside the bedroom. If we're depressed, tired or ill, we'll have little inclination for it.

Couples often seek my advice when their sex life has gone off the boil. The first question I always ask them is whether they vary the way they make love. I discover that many use a single position for lovemaking - usually with the man on top - and it's become boring.

Aside from trying a new position or two, to further reawaken your desire for sex you might consider the following pick-me-ups:

• Make love somewhere other than in bed (on a chair, sofa, etc)
• Take a bath or shower together
• Create an intimate atmosphere with music and candlelight
• Give each other a massage with scented body oils
• Make love at an unusual time
• Make love in the dark if you usually prefer some light, and vice versa
• Last, but not least, allow enough time for lovemaking.

I have an active sex life but I've never reached orgasm with my partner. Is anything wrong and what can I do? Is it my fault, or his?

In the first place, don't worry and don't blame one another. If you view lack of orgasm as a problem or as a fault, it'll become one and cause tension in your relationship.

Only a few women have impaired sexual reflexes which stop them having orgasms. So if you're having problems, the chances are that a few simple steps will go a long way towards helping you.

There are lots of reasons why you may not be able to reach orgasm. Psychologically, you may be uncertain about questions of commitment in your relationship, or you may be frightened of losing control. Physically, it may be that your partner isn't stimulating you sufficiently for orgasm to take place. If your partner doesn't take the time to find out about your preferences or needs, or if he doesn't know how to bring you to orgasm - it won't take place. But if you've had lots of stimulation and are still unable to reach a climax, this is a problem which needs attention.

Four steps to help you reach orgasm.

• It's easier for a woman to reach a climax on her own than when a partner is present. So you could find some time to be by yourself and stimulate your clitoris by masturbation.
• You should continue masturbating regularly until you are able to achieve an orgasm fairly easily.
• At this stage, you could try having sex together. But you should not try to achieve orgasm while the penis is in the vagina.
• When your partner has had an orgasm and ejaculated, he should stimulate your clitoris so that, in your own time, you too can reach orgasm. It is important that you concentrate on your own sexual sensations.